Musings of a Trophy Wife: April. Fools. Not. Dang.

Thursday, April 1, 2010, 8:59 a.m.

Current Temperature in Sonoma County, California: 37 Freaking Chilly Degrees

Note: What the heck? I usually have a tan by April. Sort of, anyhow.

Current Temperature in Fargo, North Dakota: 52 Degrees

Note: Pardon me while I get my coat and scarf before heading out to pilates.

April Fool, indeed.

THE TROPHY WIFE RECOMMENDS

In order to provide trophy-wife guidance to both of my readers, I have started a new sidebar full of recommended items for a true trophy wife. Items will vary from makeup to gadgets to household cleaners, but check back often for THE TROPHY WIFE MUST-HAVES!

THE ORIGINAL REALISTIC RUBBER CHICKEN

(About ten bucks in party stores or gag gift stores or those creepy shops in the mall that sell nasty and inappropriate party gifts)

Do not waste another day without a smile in your life! Life's too short to be serious. Just looking at my rubber chicken makes me happy!

KOZLOWSKI FARMS CHIPOTLE JAM

(About five bucks in upscale grocery stores and specialty shops. Or order online. Or come visit me and we'll go to the Farm together!

Chipotle Jam is the reason my quesadillas are scrumptious and my chunky/savory applesauce is perfect with pork and my homemade barbecue sauce is delectable. And now YOU know. It is a gloriously spicy and sweet accompaniment to any savory dish. And I do mean any. I use it by the bucketful. Sort of. But shhh... it's our little secret!

PLAYSKOOL MR. POTATO HEAD CELEBRATION SPUD
($24.99 retail, but just $17.99 at Costco!)

Wow. A giant potato filled with three more potatoes (the Mrs., son Chip and daughter Julienne--hilarious!) and more than 40 parts to mix, match and lose at your whim! Sure, this toy is for kids but imagine the delight of making a "mini me" or "the guy across the street" in potato form!

And Mrs. Potato will debut shortly on my blog in all of her Trophy Wife glory!

DIET SIERRA MIST CRANBERRY SPLASH (About three bucks for 12 cans at supermarkets and discount stores, i.e. Target)

The ultimate in yum, diet cranberry splash has become my go-to popcorn partner in the evenings. It's sparkly, sweet but tangy and the prettiest darn color you ever did see. Stock up now--it's a limited holiday edition.

Remember: Whenever possible, a Trophy Wife does not waste calories on beverages. A Trophy Wife prefers to chew her calories.

Write that down.

GLAM GLOVES (From $5.99 online and in "nicer" kitchen stores)

We all have cleaning to do. It's just a fact of life. But why not look like you're on the set of "Desperate Housewives" while you're doing it? The gloves are all awesome, but I recommend the zebra stripe. Because I'm crazy about the zebra.

THE PUPPINI SISTERS (each song from $.69 on iTunes)

While shopping in a local hip and decidedly retro gift shop, I enjoyed the music so much, I asked about it when I made my purchase. Now I have to pass the good news of The Puppini Sisters to my reader(s). In a nod to The Andrews Sister, the three unrelated beauties have their own version of 30's and 40's style music. Described as "swing-punk" the girls put a retro spin on songs ranging from "Booogie Woogie Bugle Boy" to "Walk Like an Egyptian."

And from a Trophy Wife perspective (or any wife, for that matter) they are gorgeous.

M&M's LIMITED EDITION COCONUT CANDIES (from $.54) at your checkout counter NOW.

If you love M&M's and love coconut, then you are in luck.

Run, do not walk, my little trophy wife friend, to the nearest wherever-candy-is-placed-to-distract-innocent-children and pick up a bag, or two!

Keep your cool, walk slowly to your car, casually get in, then rip the bag open with your teeth and enjoy the generous-sized candies resplendent with coconut. Yes, resplendent. They are like little german chocolate cakes without the whole gluten thing.

Get 'em while they last and remember: What happens in your car, stays in your car.

MAC FLUIDLINE EYELINER IN DIPDOWN ($15) and BRUSH ($19)

My sis recently introduced me to Mac eyeliner and I LOVE it. It's easy to apply (even for the cataract-laden), goes on smoothly without pulling or irritating delicate eye tissues and stays on all day (as long as I don't rub it off!) This one's a keeper. Run, don't walk, Ladies.

Wow. I'm giving makeup tips. Heck, yes.

Did you know . . .

A trophy wife concedes that Martha Stewart is a freaking genius?
A trophy wife drives a vehicle large enough to accomodate the items that do not fit in her purse, i.e. 12-pack of diet soda, a pilates mat, the dog? (Size of vehicle dependent upon size of dog).
When no one is watching, a trophy wife may eat hot fudge straight from the jar with a spoon?
A trophy wife never orders a rare steak? In fact, public steak consumption is frowned upon.
A trophy wife enjoys great literature and no, books about vampires do not qualify?
A trophy wife is most easily observed in her natural habitat--Target and Costco?
A trophy wife is most often gainfully employed? Surprised? Trophy Wives are not to be confused with Sugar Daddy Seekers.
Although just 39% of trophy wives are blonde, the remainder wish they were?

Musings of a Trophy Wife

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April. Fools. Not. Dang.

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