Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Golden Years or Golden Ears?

I have seriously had enough already! Due to some strange database error (imagine some dude gleefully changing my birthdate upwards by a decade or two) which is even more gleefully sold (for a tidy sum, I might add) to any company/crook out there looking for aging Americans and BOOM! You've got my mailbox. Full of crap for old folks. Satisfaction guaranteed.

I have been offered 100% polyester elastic waist pants--comfortable and chic--in 12 different colors. Life insurance, death insurance, diabetic supplies, stuff to soak your teeth in. I have seen it all.

But today was special. THIS WEEK ONLY, a factory rep will be in my town (HURRY! OFFER ENDS THIS WEEK!) to offer me a 70% savings on the icona premiere hearing aid! Yes, I'm talking the icona premiere hearing aid that we've all been hearing about at a FRACTION of its actual value.

But that's not all! The first 25 people (wow--prepare yourselves because this is truly awesome) that are accompanied by their spouse or another person whose voice you are familiar with (their grammar, not mine) will receive a FREE ear care exam otoscope and will be taught how to check each others ears for ear wax!

Are you kidding me? Is this what I have to look forward to? "Honey, it's Friday night! Time to check for ear wax!"

Then we'll recline in our LazBoy dual control recliners wearing our elastic waist pants, in peace knowing that our life and death are both insured, listening to Lawrence Welk with our newly-unwaxed ears.


I'm getting a little itch for a scooter chair--at no charge to me, of course.

Heck, yes.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Disclaimer: Of course I'm mocking this product. Just in case you weren't sure. Clearly, I'm watching too much cable.

Thank heavens for the genius of Europe, because now, finally available in America: The Neckline Slimmer. Or Skimmer. Or Scammer. I forget.

Finally, European technology is available to us common Americans, who clearly have way too many double chins roaming around, unchecked. And did you know that in just two minutes a day, you can significantly alter your neck's appearance (Individual Results May Vary; Results Not Typical)? Heck, you can significantly alter your neck's appearance while you're waiting in the drive-through for your whopper, king-size fries and a coke. Or you can significantly alter your neck's appearance while you're putting back a six-pack (of root beer, of course) after a long day at the office/unemployment line.

I am not joking about the website. I wish I had thought to claim skinnyneck.com. I need to check and see if skinnybutt.com is available. I'll keep you informed.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Recipe for Disaster

I was watching Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee today (Trophy Wives love the Food Network) who fascinates me, because she is very thin and makes lots of not-so-thin food. I'm certain she doesn't eat it. Case in point today: Heirloom Carrot Spoon Cake (in the crockpot) from her Grandma Lorraine, I believe. Well, Husband loves the carrot cake and since it's cool and drizzly outside, I thought, "Heck, yes. Crockpot carrot cake. Warm, gooey, delicious. And I can lick the bowl, even though it has gluten. Excellent."

So, I pulled out the crockpot and got to mixing. I didn't have a spice cake mix, so I substituted a carrot cake mix with a date stamp indicating 'Best if used by 17 apr 07'. Hmmn. That's only a couple of years ago, so I dumped it in. I didn't have 8 oz of crushed pineapple, but I had a fresh mango that I whirled up in the mini-blender and poured in. No sour cream, but I had some plain yogurt. Pretty doggone similar. It went in, too.

The recipe called for a dry package of butterscotch pudding (who has that, anyway?) but after rummaging around I found two snack pack butterscotch puddings (long story about that). I dumped them in and added a couple of tablespoons of caramel sauce that I bought for banana splits a couple of weeks ago. The recipe called for a cup of water, but since the snack pack pudding was somewhat 'wet' I just added 1/2 cup water and that seemed sufficient.

At this point, I licked the beater and the flavor seemed a little bland so I decided to sprinkle in some pumpkin pie spice but, as it turns out, the little sprinkle hole top wasn't there, so I accidently poured in more than anticipated. I added the oil and eggs as directed before stirring in some shredded carrots. Hub likes raisins and nuts, so I tossed those in, too.

It's in the crockpot now. I don't have ice cream to serve it with and no cream cheese, either, for a frosting. I do have marscapone cheese and whipping cream. Maybe I'll whip that up and give it a little dollop.

I hope it's delicious. But I'm not holding my breath. Recipes on television are never as tasty when you make them at home. Ever notice that?