Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Eyes Have It.

So, the newscaster is saying something about how Mark Zuckerberg is turning twenty-something today and how he's a bajillionaire and that how one-fifth of California's tax revenue this year is expected to be generated from the forthcoming IPO or IMHO or HBO, whatever that heck that means.

Note: Oh, I know what the heck that means. That means why the heck didn't I invent Facebook? Or why the heck didn't I invent Orville Redenbacher's magical popping popcorn bowl? Or chicken nuggets! That one was just so obvious. Or why the heck didn't I invent Viagra, even?

Sometimes I feel I'm just past my prime.

Oh, sure. The future lies ahead in its limitless potential. Blah, blah, blah.

Note: I have lived for nearly one-half century. Believe me when I tell you that the future is somewhat limited, Pal.

But I still want to leave my mark on the world in a meaningful way. I want to find my purpose and live my authentic life, just like Oprah says. That Oprah is a freaking genius.

Note: Why the heck didn't I invent living an authentic life? Drat.

Sometimes I am just this close, folks. This close.

So, today I'm at pilates. I am stretching and crunching and elongating. In the parking lot, I am smacked in the head by yet another invention that I forgot to invent.

Imagine the stories that P.T. Cruiser could tell ...

Eyelashes for your car.  Metal eyelashes for your car. Sweet Holy Moses.

Okay, not all ideas are great ones, clearly.

You know, I'm suddenly feeling better about my place on this planet. Carry on, Trophy Wives!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Hotdogs and Franks and Wieners, Oh My!

I am confounded.

I am confounded in the cured meats section of my neighborhood supermarket. I am confounded because I have no idea whatsoever how to select a hotdog. Or a frankfurter.

Or a wiener, yes.

It's been a long while since I've purchased a wiener, of any variety. It's not that I haven't had the opportunity to purchase a wiener, because of course I have. I have just refrained. From doing so. And in the passing years, it has become entirely too complicated to do so anyhow.

Note: The internet advises that 'weenie' is the slang term for the more formal 'wiener'. A formal wiener?


So, there are hot dogs. There are frankfurters, franks for short. There are wieners. And then there is the whole Jumbo business, which I prefer to avoid entirely, yes. No one really knows the difference between them all, although apparently a frankfurter is longer and thinner than a hot dog while a wiener is shorter and plumper than a hot dog so I imagine that a jumbo wiener provides extra length to go along with the girth.


I like me some beef ...

Hmmn... Cheesy Dogs

If you can have a Jumbo Wiener, well, why the heck not?
The whole hotdog industry just had to be invented by a man.

Sweet Holy Moses!