Monday, October 19, 2009

Wild Turkeys Gone ... Wild

While driving home, I am required to stop three times to allow hordes of Wild Turkeys to cross the street. And there were seriously more than twenty. In each horde. And Wild Turkeys are not particularly quick on their feet, on account of the effort and concentration it takes to coordinate the moving of the feet with the bobbing of the head. So I am waiting awhile because Wild Turkeys are also STUPID and do not see the imminent danger of 4200 pound automobiles.

Why do the Wild Turkeys cross the street, anyway?

Note: I am not telling a joke. I am asking a serious question.

Anyway, I believe it was Ben Franklin who championed the Wild Turkey as the National Bird, or maybe it was Aretha Franklin, I'm not really sure. The premise behind the whole idea probably stems from the whole first Thanksgiving thing, which I understand. But aside from being tasty, the Wild Turkey has little going for it. And did I mention it is STUPID?

The Wild Turkey does not have much happening in its head. Unless you count that red gobbly thing that jiggles around on the male's chin. The technical name for this apparatus is a wattle. And apparently the wattle changes colors when a male turkey is excited. Okay, then.

Simmer down, everyone.

Every year in the early spring, the males, well, their wattles change color. And I guess that the females go for that kind of thing and that gets the fellows all riled up, so they fight and argue and bicker to be the Alpha Male. That's right. One Alpha Male wins a flock of ladies and marches away, the victor, taking his ladies off to some sort of Male Turkey Utopia. And he, um, services all the ladies in his flock.

Meanwhile, the whole group of juvenile Losers wander away, running around the streets in large unruly gangs, vandalizing flowers, chasing dogs. Probably selling drugs. Assorted mayhem. (That's what happens when there isn't a lady around to keep the men in check.)

And in the fall, the Losers really show their stupidity. Aside from coming down from the Wild Turkey Sanctuary (The Golf Course behind my house) to cross the streets, they decide that the cool weather is a good time to plump up their feathers.

Picture: Twenty male Losers. All plumped up looking exactly like those Thanksgiving centerpieces we had when I was a kid. Crossing the street in mass numbers.

They may as well ring my doorbell and say, "I'm here for Thanksgiving Dinner!"



Doug said...

They really do look like Thankgiving dinner decorations wander our streets

Amanda P said...

There was a lot of turkey animosity on that post. Clearly trophy wives and live turkeys do not mix.

Doug said...

Hey wait! Maybe it was the male turkey losers who tagged the church. Rejection makes turkeys do terrible things!

Matthew Gamblin said...

Oh, how I miss the turkey sightings.

I must concur with pop ... there must be some sort of loser-turkey mayhem happening.

prejoyst. That's what it made me type.

Lindsay said...

I find it odd that you have turkeys roaming. It sounds like you live in the middle of nowhere in Country Town, USA, when really, you glamorously live high on the hill looking down at all the simple people. Ha!

Does your dislike in turkeys mean you wont have your tryptophan nap this Thanksgiving?