So, The Bachelor.

I am imagining the application form to be one of the girls on 'The Bachelor'.

Note: This is not an actual application form. Please do not fill it out and return it to ABC. You may, however, return it to me. If you wish.

Questions for the Aspiring Bachelor Girl:

1. Are you flexible enough to wrap your arms and legs completely around the Bachelor whenever you see him (sitting or standing) and can you remain in such position while the production team zeroes in. On the wrappage?

2. Do you have an annoying accent that will get on America's nerve every time you open your mouth, and if not, are you willing to fake an accent or use poor grammar to get on America's nerve?

3. Were you a reject in High School who was teased relentlessly by the cool kids and then your Grandma passed on and left you a small inheritance so you bought big boobs and big hair and became a swimsuit model and proved that those nasty kids from high school are really the big losers after all?

4. Have you been diagnosed with some sort of narcissistic disorder or do you have some strange attachment disorder that allows you bond instantaneously with men and behave in stalker-like ways in order, of course, to entertain America?

5. Do you have a dark secret, such as but not limited to: a previously diagnosed venereal disease, triplets, three months to live, perhaps an interesting fetish or the fact that you were inadvertently raised by wolves?

And finally, can you scream like a banshee whenever you see the Bachelor or get a date card from The Bachelor or see Chris Harrison with a rose?

Excellent.

Bring it on.