Size 34 DDD. Double. Dog. Dare.

Through a series of events that are none of your business, I find myself looking for a nursing bra.

Note: I said It's none of your business.

A good nursing bra is hard to find. Actually, any nursing bra is hard to find, in a pinch. I am wandering through another intimate department in search of just one. I am surrounded by giant abalone-sized bra cups. Some are pink. Some have cheetah print. Some look like my Grandma would have worn them, had she been so endowed.

Note: Why are the gigantic bras always on the outside of the racks? Near the public walkways? Where adolescent boys could see them and be scarred for life?

The only store employee in sight is a young male. My shopping companion double-dog-dares me to ask him if they have nursing bras.

Note: Double-dog-dare? What are we? Third graders?

Note: Heck, yes!

I demurely and apologetically ask about the nursing bras, noting that he is obviously working in the children's department and I'm sorry there's no ladies around to ask such a question and whatnot.

He answers.

ACTUALLY, I KNOW A LOT ABOUT NURSING BRAS. I HAVE BEEN TRAINED IN THE INTIMATES DEPARTMENT.

Is he speaking through a megaphone? Is he speaking over the store's sound system?

I SPENT QUITE A BIT OF TIME IN THE INTIMATES DEPARTMENT. WE DO NOT CARRY NURSING BRAS. BUT YOU COULD BLAH BLAH JC PENNEY BLAH BLAH INTIMATES DEPARTMENT BLAH BLAH.

Have the other shoppers ceased their shopping? To gawk at the 32-Aer looking for a nursing bra?

I try to get away. I analyze my escape routes. I am backing away. Thank you. Thank you.

INTIMATES INTIMATES BRAS BRAS BRAS ....

My shopping companion grabs my arm and we race to the escalator.

And stand on the same step.

Heck, yes!