Thursday, September 10, 2009

I am the Elephant, goo goo g'joob

Disclaimer: This post contains graphic images that may be disturbing to younger reader(s), especially the offspring of The Trophy Wife. Reader discretion is advised.

Pilates can be brutal; I know this fact because I practice pilates regularly. (Please note that pilates is a "practice," not an exercise. I do not understand the distinction, but apparently it has something to do with the fact that I will never get it right). Pilates brutality is not confined to the difficulty of the workout (yeah, I've got abs), but also includes the things that one sees during class.

Middle-aged bodies twisted into unnatural positions can be frightening. I've seen blurbs and bloops and blunderous body parts that are typically unassuming backs, bums and boobs. I've seen unimaginable varieties of underwear in unimaginable places (don't ask). But by far, the most frightening thing I've seen during my pilates workout is the elephant in the room.

I'm not referring to the metaphorical "elephant" in the room; unfortunately, I am referring to the actual elephant in the room.

Pilates incorporates strength building and stretching, which is pretty standard exercise fare. One of our frequent stretching positions is the "down dog". For those who are not familiar with the term (shame!) the body is an upside-down V, with the behind sticking straight up in the air with the feet and the hands planted on the mat.

Somehow this position is intended to stretch the calves and shoulders.

However, this is what I see when I come face-to-knees with my own body in this outrageous, gravity-defying position. Prepare yourselves, reader(s). This isn't pretty.

The elephant. Look away; I'm hideous.

You may be thinking, "Ah, it's not so bad." Oh, it is. Go ahead, compare it to the real thing.I am the elephant, goo goo g'joob.

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