Size 34 DDD. Double. Dog. Dare.

Through a series of events that are none of your business, I find myself looking for a nursing bra.

Note: I said It's none of your business.

A good nursing bra is hard to find. Actually, any nursing bra is hard to find, in a pinch. I am wandering through another intimate department in search of just one. I am surrounded by giant abalone-sized bra cups. Some are pink. Some have cheetah print. Some look like my Grandma would have worn them, had she been so endowed.

Note: Why are the gigantic bras always on the outside of the racks? Near the public walkways? Where adolescent boys could see them and be scarred for life?

The only store employee in sight is a young male. My shopping companion double-dog-dares me to ask him if they have nursing bras.

Note: Double-dog-dare? What are we? Third graders?

Note: Heck, yes!

I demurely and apologetically ask about the nursing bras, noting that he is obviously working in the children's department and I'm sorry there's no ladies around to ask such a question and whatnot.

He answers.

ACTUALLY, I KNOW A LOT ABOUT NURSING BRAS. I HAVE BEEN TRAINED IN THE INTIMATES DEPARTMENT.

Is he speaking through a megaphone? Is he speaking over the store's sound system?

I SPENT QUITE A BIT OF TIME IN THE INTIMATES DEPARTMENT. WE DO NOT CARRY NURSING BRAS. BUT YOU COULD BLAH BLAH JC PENNEY BLAH BLAH INTIMATES DEPARTMENT BLAH BLAH.

Have the other shoppers ceased their shopping? To gawk at the 32-Aer looking for a nursing bra?

I try to get away. I analyze my escape routes. I am backing away. Thank you. Thank you.

INTIMATES INTIMATES BRAS BRAS BRAS ....

My shopping companion grabs my arm and we race to the escalator.

And stand on the same step.

Heck, yes!

Drat. My Cat.

The Problem: My cat still needs a good shaving. But I am afraid of his claws and his teeth and the horrible yowling noises he makes when he is upset.

The Plot: In a 'I-did-not-imply-a-sudden-or-unusual-or shocking stroke' of brilliance, the DIL, who is visiting, suggests that she find a stray cat, i.e. Buzzy, who is not actually a stray, just apparently neglected. As an act of kindness and hope for the stray cat, which isn't stray, just neglected, she then takes the cat to the nearest vet place. For a shaving.

The Problem: What is the vet suggests a physical? And discovers the cat's gingivitis? And puts him on medication for his arthritis? What if this cat-shaving costs me more than my new set of All-Clad D5 cookware, which I have been dying to bring up, casually, in a post?

Drat. Darn Cat.

In Honor. Of Mothers. And Shoes, I Guess.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread,
She whipped them all soundly, and put them to bed.

Note: What the heck? What kind of example of motherhood is this?

Note: Maybe appropriate family planning would have been helpful to this woman. And what about the Old Man? Don't tell me he's at the office this whole time ...

Then that old Woman heard a knock at the door

"Put your hands up, and drop to the floor!

You're under arrest, we're from SVU

We've got a prison cell waiting for you!"

The End.

P.S. Happy Mother's Day!

Birds Do It. Bees Do It. Lizards Do It.

So, I am in the backyard, fussing a little with my flowers, admiring mostly. I'm hearing a rustling sound in the lavender bushes. I move closer and peer into the bushes where I see them.

Lizards. Doing what lizards do. In the springtime.

Note: I had never actually seen lizards doing it, although based on the hundreds of lizards living in my backyard, they must be doing it. A lot.

It seems like a most excellent idea to take a photo of the lizards in their natural habitat, so I whip out the cell phone and lean closer. The lizards, of course, panic, and the photo op passes as they scurry away, albeit quite awkwardly, based upon their current situation, yes.

So I do not get a photo of the lizards in the act.

Luckily, however, I am able to catch the male lizard immediately afterward.

Heck, yes!

The Threat. Of Mauve.

Fantastic!

Fresno. Is. Alarming!

So, I get a phone call. From my neighbor, whom I shall call 'Rob'. Actually, his name really is Rob, which is why I feel comfortable calling him by that name.

Are you home? he is asking.

No, I'm in Fresno. No, Rob, this is not a joke.

Note: There are magazines in my 'hotel' room with titles like Destination: Fresno and Fresno: The New California. Yes, really.

Rob is telling me that my car alarm is going off and am I home? or will I be soon? because my neighbors may get cranky before too long.

Note: The whole situation is befuddling because I do not have a car alarm.

I say, I'm in Fresno and he thinks that's funny. I say, I do not have a car alarm and he thinks that is also funny.

Meanwhile, my car alarm is going off. I explain to Rob how to break into my house and get my car keys and see if my remote will turn the alarm off. The alarm I do not have.

Rob says Don't worry about it, I'll take off a battery cable and you two have fun and whatnot.

Note: Oh, we are.

What the Heck?, yes!

Just Breathe Deeply. Wait, Don't Do It!

I am looking through a magazine. It is a magazine for women. It is providing valuable information on How to Live Well Everyday and it provides 10 Instant Destressors for today's busy woman.

Note: I may or may not have been using the toilet at the time.

I am reading through the suggestions for instant destressing, such as but not limited to chewing a piece of sugarless gum, loosening restrictive clothing, burning a scented candle, calling a friend to chat, laughing.

But then I find my favorite suggestion of all.

Note: Not really.

Give yourself a time-out. Set the alarm on your phone for 5 minutes, find a quiet place (even if it's a bathroom stall) and just sit and breathe deeply.

Really? Sit in a bathroom stall? And breathe deeply? Where other people are doing their business?

Wow.

Theoretically, however, I could kill a lot of birds with just one stone as I sit in the stall breathing deeply with my clothing unrestricted for obvious reasons while burning a scented to candle to cover the scent of well, you know, and enjoying my sugarless gum and calling a friend on my cellphone to chat because who doesn't think it's classy to talk on the phone in a public restroom of all places and laughing, oh yes. There will be laughing.

Note: Really?

Heck, no!