Actual Conversation with a Helpful Customer Service Representative:
Note: I am lying about the helpful part, yes.
Helpful Dude: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
Me: I subscribed online to your newspaper and I'm trying to figure out why we're not receiving it yet.
Helpful Dude: I see.
A protracted moment of silence follows. I can not bear protracted silence, as you know. So, I speak, obviously.
Me: Well, can you check your database and see if my credit card payment went through and that I am listed as a subscriber?
Helpful Dude: Not really, no. But I can set you up as a new account.
Me: But I don't want a new account because then I may receive two newspapers. I only want one. I just need to know if you have received my payment and activated my service.
Helpful Dude: I guess you will just have to wait awhile and see if you get a newspaper.
Me: What? You can't check?
Helpful Dude: No. I don't have access to that type of information.
Me: What type of information do you have access to?
Helpful Dude: I can start a new account for you, M'am.
Me: I still don't want a new account. Can you just start sending me the paper until someone figures this out?
Helpful Dude: Would you like a trial subscription, M'am?
Me: Sure. I mean, I really want a regular subscription but I guess I'll take a trial subscription for now.
Helpful Dude: Oh, sorry. I can't give you a trial subscription if you want a regular one.
Me: Fine! I changed my mind! I don't want a regular one anymore. Give me a trial subscription.
Helpful Dude: I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me? Am I on Punk'd?
Note: For those readers who need relevancy training, Punk'd is the modern-day equivalent of Candid Camera.
Me: What am I supposed to do to get a newspaper?
Helpful Dude: I have a phone number that you can call. Perhaps they can help you with your problem.
Me: Whatever.
I am wondering if this dude's name is Peggy and he's sitting in Alaska or Fargo in a remote cabin answering the phone.
Helpful Dude: Please call 1-800-555-1111.
Huh?
Me: That's the number I just called to get YOU.
Pause. Another pause. Wait for it ... wait for it ...
Helpful Dude: Oh, well thank you for calling. How may I help you?
Sweet Holy Moses!
2 comments:
Hey now. I happen to know that if you call Fargo for customer support, there's a good chance you'll be pleased with your help.
A similar thing happened to me. I ordered a newspaper subscription over the phone. No transaction ever went through. No newspaper ever showed up. Maybe there is a reason newspapers are failing and it's not the Internet.
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