Golden Years or Golden Ears?

I have seriously had enough already! Due to some strange database error (imagine some dude gleefully changing my birthdate upwards by a decade or two) which is even more gleefully sold (for a tidy sum, I might add) to any company/crook out there looking for aging Americans and BOOM! You've got my mailbox. Full of crap for old folks. Satisfaction guaranteed.

I have been offered 100% polyester elastic waist pants--comfortable and chic--in 12 different colors. Life insurance, death insurance, diabetic supplies, stuff to soak your teeth in. I have seen it all.

But today was special. THIS WEEK ONLY, a factory rep will be in my town (HURRY! OFFER ENDS THIS WEEK!) to offer me a 70% savings on the icona premiere hearing aid! Yes, I'm talking the icona premiere hearing aid that we've all been hearing about at a FRACTION of its actual value.

But that's not all! The first 25 people (wow--prepare yourselves because this is truly awesome) that are accompanied by their spouse or another person whose voice you are familiar with (their grammar, not mine) will receive a FREE ear care exam otoscope and will be taught how to check each others ears for ear wax!

Are you kidding me? Is this what I have to look forward to? "Honey, it's Friday night! Time to check for ear wax!"

Then we'll recline in our LazBoy dual control recliners wearing our elastic waist pants, in peace knowing that our life and death are both insured, listening to Lawrence Welk with our newly-unwaxed ears.

Wow.

I'm getting a little itch for a scooter chair--at no charge to me, of course.

Heck, yes.